The end of a journey

This humble Thursday marks the end of a long journey . . . if all goes well, I will have finally accrued the massive number of hours needed to be licensed as a professional counselor. I don't quite believe its possible! It has been five years since completing my graduate degree and in that time, I've worked part time, had a second child and temporarily lost my job when there were budget cuts. And here I am today with 5 hours left . . . . unless all my clients decide that the sunshine is good cause to miss their appointments today, I'll be done early this afternoon. I need to pinch myself!

This has been a central focus of my attention for a few weeks now as I've steadily watched the number of hours still left to document dwindle but that's not to say there haven't been exciting prospects and projects on the horizon.

1. A friend has gifted me an unused copy of photoshop and I can't wait to dig into the tutorials on Lynda.com so that I can begin learning how to use this amazing software.

2. I want to redesign my website. Feels as if I've outgrown this particular layout but I'm not sure where to begin in creating a new one. Ideas, anyone?

3. Training for a triathlon this summer. It's been 3 years since my last one . . . I'm older, slower and a wee bit more distracted! But boy does it feel good to be running, biking and swimming. And I get to share it with a good friend.

4. And this summer, hubby and I intend to learn how to windsurf. I even have a gift certificate for lessons!! I can hardly wait . . . we'll camp on the river, sit in the sun, play with the kids in the water and hopefully, experience some soft of success with getting up on the board ;)

What plans and excitement have you got hovering on the horizon? Please share!

Celebrating "Three"

A coworker and friend honored me by asking if I'd take pictures of her sweet newly-three year old son. Oh, he was fun! He ran and rolled and blew bubbles and attacked dandelions with vigor. 

We had beautiful sun all day. I was drooling with the anticipation of taking some lovely late afternoon pics. And then the clouds rolled in and it got dark. Very dark . . .  Never fear, the bright fresh colors of Spring and his red sweater, saved the day!

Thank you, for letting me play with your boy and take pictures. So much fun. And it really is a pleasure to be able to give a mama pictures that will capture this precious, passing moment. It goes by so quick.  The "baby" pictures that I have of my two children will likely always be on my walls. I can't bear to hide them behind new pictures . . . it creates quite a dilemma. I'm simply terrible about framing some of the recent pictures so they pile up on the bulletin board and in computer files. I need someone to take charge of filling my picture frames:) Anyone up for the task? I don't pay much but I'd happily return the favor with pictures. 

What do all you avid photographers do with your photos? Do tell! 

Again?

He, he. How appropriate! A shot of porta potties . . . I'm back in that place of feeling small and inadequate and all self-doubting. When will this go away! I'm sick of coming back to this particular intersection in my journey. Oh, there's a story to go with this feeling but it is uninteresting in its everydayness. Just an off day, saying and doing the seemingly wrong things, cranky kids and a messy house. It clearly doesn't take much. But enough. Let me tell you why I took a picture of these lovely Sani Huts!

A dear friend of mine and I ran the 8K at the Shamrock Run. It was a beautiful and clear morning -- lots of sun as you can see in my sun flare obsessed photo above. There were thousands of runners in several different events. It was quite the party on the waterfront. 

I'm the gal with the blue headband . . . we had a blast. There is a certain energy that gathers with the crowd at the starting line. A sense of being part of something big and exciting. You end up grinning at complete strangers because you share a goal and an adventure. 

Does she look excited? Just a bit? :) 

My children were cold. It was the first race they had gone to and I was so aware of their presence. I want to share with them the joy of a strong, healthy body. Sadly, hubby and kids did not see my "grand" finish. Huffing and puffing. 

It was a wonderful day. And there are many, many of those. I need to practice forgiveness and compassion for my little ol' self when the self-doubting days come now and again.

Gratitude

Reminding myself, on the eve of another work week, of the things and people and intangibles that fill me with gratitude:
1. A husband who, as I type, is washing the bowl he just mixed our baked oatmeal in. Because of his kindness, we will have a hot breakfast and cut grapefruit to begin our day.
2. A quiet house. The children are sleeping. Ah.
3. Longer days -- meaning, when we all return home in the evening, we can begin to walk outdoors, play, even eat our suppers on the porch. It is the beginning of my favorite time of the year!
4. Laundry done (though not put away).
5. A delicious curry supper that the whole family enjoyed. That's a rarity!
6. Healthy children who are growing and full of energy and love. More on that later . . .
7. Good friends who celebrate in my successes and encourage me.
8. A mind that likes to stretch and grow and think thoughts worth thinking!
9. Strong body that also likes to stretch (but we'll not discuss the growing!)
10. Productive day. A sigh of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Today while driving to pick up Big D from school, Sis had quite an imaginative game going from the back seat. She was a cook in a restaurant and she kept taking my orders. If I happened to misunderstand what it was I needed to request, she would prompt me helpfully. Then the game shifted ever so slightly and she announced that I would be her Sweetie and she continue to be my cook. Our dialogue went something like this:

What do you want to eat, Sweetie?

I would like apples with peanut butter.

Ok, Sweetie. 

Thank you, Yum, Yum.

What else would you like to eat, Sweetie?

Um. Crackers, please.

Alright, Sweetie.

This continued with mild variations. If very much felt as if I was listening in on a typical mid day snack discussion, except our roles had been reversed. It was reassuring to hear her kind, gentle tone. My hope being, of course, that that is how she experiences my communication with her. Oh, I know that there are plenty of times when my scary voice is, well, scary. And certainly both of my sweet tots let me know when they disapprove of my mothering ways . . . but in sweet play like this, I choose to believe that this is how they generally experience me.

It's been a beautiful day!

Worthy!

Today in my happy blog wanderings, I came across Brene Brown's blog, Ordinary Courage . . . it is kismet. It is inspiring! I'm at risk of gushing and embarrassing myself. She is a smart, educated and articulate woman talking about being authentic and about whole-hearted living.

There are days on this quest for balance and self-acceptance when I feel as if my equilibrium is constantly threatened by fearfulness, worry and a general sense that I'm not good enough . . . these are the dark moments. In these moments, I remind myself that good enough is good enough. That the voices that would convince me that being bravely and vibrantly myself isn't safe are likely feeling scared and small themselves.

I'm grateful to women, such Tracy, Robin, Georgia and many others who have inspired me with their words and art. Who have consistently celebrated the present moment, the beauty of connection and joy of discovery. Who have insisted that we are worthy just as we are!

Sweet Baby Boy

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending a few hours with a dear friend and her little boy. Our mission was to capture all his sweetness at this fleeting baby stage. He made it so easy . . . he is such a happy, content baby.

I am not a real photographer, accustomed to taking portraits and producing photos that will please proud parents, etc. Well, other then myself:) This was a gift from the heart to a dear, dear friend. She is one of those rare kindred spirits that make it easy for me to be my best and most authentic self. And her story is one of courage and grace. I think in our friendship, I have received far more than I have been able to give her. But I will not embarrass her by waxing any more eloquent as I know she will read this ;)

I must admit, this was fun, fun, fun. Could I do this again? For others? Oh, I imagine so. My children would appreciate the break from being mama's only models!

Blown in the Wind

Today was beautiful. A perfect opposite of the storm and wet of yesterday. Hubby and I had the babysitter come over this morning so we could go to a spinning class together. On our leisurely drive home, I saw the tennis court chain link fence peppered with brightly colored leaves. As luck would have it, my camera was stashed in the car so I got out and enjoyed a few quiet minutes taking pictures before walking home.
I must have been quite the sight -- sweaty, nasty work out clothes, crouching in the muck with my camera. Wandering dog walkers likely looked askance and then hurried away! But I love that the wind arranged such a beautiful spectacle. You couldn't plan it any better. I imagine the two leaves above are star crossed lovers, tangled in a web not of their own making. Doesn't it look as if they have been captured in a caress? 
The unique perspective of looking through and around dozens or hundred, maybe thousands, of links creates a sense of endlessness. Infinity. Keeping time with leaves and dew drops. 
So it's the end of another weekend. Weathered the foul weather. Enjoyed taking pictures. Had a hair cut and spent a wonderful afternoon with a friend. There were other good things too -- poached pears, pumpkin spice creamer in the coffee and house projects underway. I'd like to linger in the reflection of time well spent. Not rush too quickly ahead into a new week with unknown challenges and adventures. This is my challenge, has been and continues to be, to savor the moment. To experience it in its fullness. My tendency is to think several steps ahead. Plan and worry and speculate. These are great survival skills as a busy mom wearing several hats but they aren't great relishing skills. 

My goal tomorrow is to keep my eyes wide open. To feel and see and sink into the day and what it has to offer. Perhaps I'll be lucky enough to see something wonderful to share with you!

Are ya tired of pumpkins yet?

Baby pumpkins are adorable! When I was a kid, we grew our own patch of mini pumpkins and then shared with our pals at school. My kids share my love and fascination . . . in fact, see that little orange beauty? Sis slept with it last night. 
Big D would have done the same, I'm sure, if he hadn't given his to his grandpa. He mourned the loss later and promptly claimed one of my own (artfully arranged on the fireplace mantle, mind you!) as his own. 
We had a wonderful pumpkin trip with the grandparents yesterday. Clear, breezy and crisp. There are two large (and only one cracked . . . ) pumpkins sitting on my porch. We are putting off the carving as our experience has shown that rain and Jack O Lantern do not mix -- they begin to resemble the sunken in faces of perhaps the very old. At least before they fall apart completely. 
This will perhaps be the last bee picture of the year. There were a few brave souls visiting the last of the fall flowers. Perhaps it was my imagination, but they just didn't look as bright and lovely as they had early in the summer. 
Big D and his big pumpkin. I have scores of kid pics with their pumpkins. I may have to post yet a whole other entry on pumpkins:) Geez, will it ever end. 

Do you belief in prescient dreams? I think that a few years back, I would have been iffy on the topic but I had an interesting experience when one of our family friend's had her first baby. The name had been kept "top secret" -- they were holding out to surprise us all when the little guy made his appearance. The night she went into labor, they called to tell us they were going to the hospital. That night, I dreamed that the father told me that the baby's name was Seth. Next morning, I woke, laughingly told hubby the story and then thought nothing of it. While I was getting out of the shower, I heard hubby coming up the stairs with the phone, saying, "I'll let you tell her." Sure 'nough. The father is on the phone and the first thing he says is, "So, do you know the middle name?" Kinda freaky. I have thought that perhaps this child and I have a unique bond. There must be some reason that I would be given that dream. 

Last night I had a dream about a dear friend with whom I've had a falling out. It has been incredibly sad and painful -- not my choice at all but I've exhausted what I think I can do to remedy the situation. In this dream, she was in trouble and she came to me for help. I was worried for her but relieved that we could move past this misunderstanding. Today I'm struggling with what to do. On the basis of a dream, do I reach out to her once again? Her rejection has been so complete and my hurt so big that I don't know that I want to  open myself up to it again. Oy, I should be more courageous than that, right? 

H2C Part 2

I missed the most touching moment of the event with my camera -- the fabulous and fast runner above is Jaime and her oldest son and mother came to see her in her first leg. We had pulled off Hwy 26 to wait for her so we could cheer and offer water midway through her run. She came to a full stop, hugged and kissed her clearly very proud boy. So sweet. Several of us were a little teary as we loaded back into the van to catch her at the transition.
Sure, we talked about our kids, exchanged stories on toddler misbehavior and cuteness, compared ages and schools. There were phone calls and text messages keeping moms connected with partners and children. At the finish line, two of our mommies were met by husbands and cute tots. They joined their moms in the team photos 'cause let's be honest, every mile we logged in training was a feat of organization and teamwork with our families. 
Today I decided to shake the ol' legs out with my regular spinning class. One of my classmates is an iron man triathlete. He gave me grief about rest days and fatigued legs, all in good humor. We talked about a triathlon in Canada yesterday and he said, repeatedly, that I could/should do an iron man distance. You know, when my kids are 12! It does take time and effort and a single-mindedness that is hard to accomplish when you juggle multiple roles and responsibilities. 
Besides my own need and love for sports, I want to continue challenging myself and surrounding myself with the kind of women who do the same because I'm raising two children -- a daughter and a son, that I want to go out into the world seeing possibilities for themselves and each other that are not based on gender or imagined limitations. I love that I can bribe my spunky 3 year old daughter to eat her food by saying that if she does, she'll grow big and strong and run like her mama! Or that when I come home from either the gym or a run, they run to give me sticky, wet hugs and tell me to take a shower. Right now, they think I'm fast and strong. Soon enough, they'll be faster and stronger. 

Run, Mama, Run! (This is Kirsten and her little girl . . . sorry, none of mine as they were home with daddy. Perhaps next year)

Hood to Coast Relay (part 1)

We did it! Two urbanMamas teams successfully completed the Hood to Coast Relay this past weekend. This was my first H2C experience and I LOVED it. 
Quick primer for the uninitiated, each H2C team is made up of 12 individuals and two vans. The race consists of 36 legs, anywhere from about 3.5 miles to 7.5 miles in length and of varying difficulty. This year there were 1,000 teams and if I do the math correctly, that's a whole lot of runners, vans and volunteers. Speaking of math, each team is responsible for keeping their own time and charting it on a bright yellow paper to be turned in at race completion. Very quickly, it was determined who was most comfortable with this awesome responsibility (not me!) and who best keep far, far away. 
Here are my van-mates. I'm on the far left and the other ladies are Jaime, Merry, Kirsten, Nancy and Arabeth. Our start time was 7:15AM in the morning which had us meeting up in NE Portland at 5:00AM to load up, eat bagels and run over last minute details. Below is Kirsten, our official time keeper for a good portion of the relay. 
Nancy was our first runner and while she barrelled down the mountain, we decorated our Freightliner Sprinter. Don't they all look spry and chipper and ready to conquer the road? That'd be because none of us had run yet! Just you wait until the second installment when we'd been running, sweating and not much else for several hours . . . 
I've been sitting with this entry for awhile, wondering how to best sum up this experience. If I use any more caps or explanations marks, I'm in danger of sounding like a hyped up cheerleader in high school. I've talked recently about flow activities and for me, running and competing in one form or another is a grounding, centering experience. Working as a team with strong, inspiring women is phenomenal. Since high school and college, any competitive sport I've engaged in has been individual . . . which is fine, but I need and look for community and connection. Nothing like 6 women in a van for 30 hours for quickly becoming comfortable with one another! Laughing like school girls at jokes that if repeated here, wouldn't be funny. You just had to be there -- or perhaps equally sleep-deprived and dehydrated! Cheering out open windows, poking fun at the "officals" (many of the "official" shirts were misprinted), passing around bags of cookies and water bottles -- that's good stuff, folks! 

I'd been worried about my calves for a few months -- stretching, ice baths, chiropractor, new shoes, etc. Nothing seemed to make the problem magically disappear so I met up with my team mates a little afraid that I'd either bonk out because my training hadn't been up to snuff, catering to my aching legs, or that I wouldn't be able to finish because of an injury. But lo and behold, I ran faster than I thought I could for all three legs and felt strong. It was the energy of the team and other runners -- there is a synergistic energy in events like this. Each runner's success is the sum of the team's optimism and support. Well done, mamas. Let's do it again!

More pics to come . . . 

Zen To-do List

1. Sand and generally clean up used wooden dollhouse and accessories for my office . . . necessitating a trip to

2. Craft store run

3. Grocery shopping

4. Laundry 

5. Few odds and ends in paperwork

6. Adventuring at local water fountains for kid play and photo ops

7. Mow the lawn? we'll see.

And . . . 

1. Practice breathing when children begin fussing for no known reason prompting me to want to run screaming into my own bedroom

2. Put the to-do list aside when they are vying for my attention -- the rest can wait

3. Appreciate beauty wherever it might be -- like the sunflowers beginning to bloom in my overgrown backyard. Don't need to move to enjoy them!

4. Connect with friends.

Hope your day is full of just the sort of things and people you need today! Cheers.

Life's Balance Sheet

I intended to finally get around to sharing the fun pics and stories of Big D's 6th birthday and end of school year festivities and then life came along and slapped me around a bit. So I sit in front of my computer feeling a little stunned and scared and sad. It occurs to me that in Life's Balance Sheet, the good still outweighs the "Big Scary" stuff so I'll try to remind myself of things that are good and whole and healthy. And apparently I'll describe everything in "threes!" Let me start with the good stuff . . . Big D turned 6 on June 10th, the second to last day of his kindergarten year. They ended the year with parties and a field trip to a local farm to plant pumpkins. Apparently in the fall, he can go back and pick one of the pumpkins he planted! How great is that? 
His official B-day party was Friday and a couple of his buddies from school came to celebrate with a water fight and cake and general silliness. My parents came into town just as the party was underway and joined right in -- my family is known for our crazy water play and the kids loved being able to attack the grandparents with buckets of water:) Have you all noticed that kids clump all grandparents into the same benign group of adults? Big D's friends showed no hesitation in including my parents in their fun. 
We rounded out the weekend with a family barbecue with both sets of grandparents, more cake and, of course, gifts. Big D got his new two-wheeler . . . and he was thrilled and terrified! It's a bit bigger than the old one and he's still adjusting. Can you tell?
This past week the kiddos started a Montessori school together. They'll be going 3 days a week while I work. They LOVE it and the teachers tell us that they play well together. They are in a sweet place in their sibling relationship. They regularly tell us they are best friends and they have all sorts of imaginative play. Oh sure, they occasionally hit and squabble and drive me mad but I hope the companionship outweighs the tussles in the end.
On the other side of the balance sheet -- well, the IRS wrote us a love letter proclaiming their interest in having more of our money. A lot of it. Hubby is pretty sure that they are in error and has written his own love letter in reply. I find the whole idea of the IRS terrifying and can't wait to have this resolved, ideally with our bank account intact. I'm the money man in our family except when it comes to taxes so I have no control in this matter. Good? Bad? Mostly undecided. The other line item on my mind is that a close and very dear friend of mine is having a health scare. (My dear, if you're reading this, I'm not stressing out. Really.) I'm planning on flying over there to help keep an eye on the kids and house and offer whatever support I can while she has surgery, etc. 

Memorial Day Weekend Part 2 -- sort of

Let's see, where did we leave off in the weekend saga? Oh yes, laboring in the yard and the first barbecue of the season! We got the grass seed planted and a good portion of the path laid. Of course it's anyone's guess when the rest of the path will be completed . . . The highlight of the day was purchasing a used 17ft canoe off craigslist. It kept the kids entertained in the backyard while we worked! Unfortunately, didn't get any pictures of the young pirates/fishermen/adventures of various types. Our hope is to spend quite a bit of time exploring the lakes and waterways around PDX this summer. I have fond memories of canoe camping trips as a kid and am still a water fiend.
Back to the barbecue -- we packed way too much into a single day so the prep was a bit rushed. Fortunately we have good friends who don't mind making an emergency trip to the grocery story for vegeburgers or waiting on meal prep! The kids ran around, kicking soccer balls and occasionally each other. Accidentally, of course:) They were bribed with ice cream to pose for mommy. I was experimenting with the wonderful evening light but my window of opportunity was a bit small and the subjects more than a little wound up!
I love this pic of Sweet Sis running into the light! It was a lovely evening and a good reminder that these things don't have to be perfectly planned or orchestrated. More often than not, I approach the weekend tired and reluctant to have people over or commit to outings, etc. Its a shame -- we all benefit when we relax with friends and get our silly on.
As an aside, Big D is without training wheels! He's a little hesitant but the promise of a new bike for his 6th birthday is highly motivating.
And Little Sis is peddling on her own. They're growing up!

Jinxed

I'm generally not the superstitious type but after our recent trip and the various traumas we encountered, I'm reconsidering. Perhaps we were jinxed. I'll tell my tale and let you decide. 

My absolute dearest friend and her family moved out of state a couple years back and both our families make the trip for visits as often as possible. And so, this past weekend we made our annual summer trip . . . The "events" in order, are as follows:

1. Wild fire that leaped the freeway, closing it in both directions. This resulted in an understandable delay followed by . . . 

2. A major semi-truck accident where the truck and two trailers had flipped, spilling cargo all over the road. Likely, the truck was caught off guard when he encountered the slowed/stopped traffic ahead and took a header off the road rather than run over them. We saw rescue workers performing CPR. I was driving and commanded my husband to "distract the children." He was so successful that I'm not even sure they noticed the chaos at the side of the road. We finally arrived at our destination around 2:30am local time.

3. My son who at age 5 years has not yet learned how to swim jumped into the pool without his lifejacket necessitating this freaked out mama jumping in after (fully clothed) to pull him out. He had gotten out of the water to use the bathroom and in his excitement, forgot to put his lifejacket back on. There was lots of yelling (mine -- some swearing and general terror) and crying (both of ours) but then he was back in the water. (Interesting side note: I always wondered what I'd say when I thought I saw death peering at me. Apparently it's "God damn it!" -- repeatedly and VERY loud. Shame on me). 

4. Our friends' garage door was bent and rendered unusable as we backed out of the drive to take the families to the water park. 

5. While waiting for the daddies to figure out how to close the door so we could leave, tweaked my back, making carrying children rather uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

6. Finally, and here's the big one, at the water park, my 2 year old had an apparent seizure. Another freak out moment for this mama. We had our first ride in an ambulance and after several hours and blood tests, CT scans and urinalysis, we got the good news that nothing appeared wrong and that likely she had experienced a seizure. I don't know about you, that still feels really scary! Fortunately, shortly after arriving at the hospital, she perked up and by the time we left, it was hard to believe anything had been wrong. Except for the poor blown up veins in her hands and arms. This time, no swearing and shouting (score one point, mama!).

I suppose like all mamas, I have a real dread of any harm coming to my children. They are so vulnerable and the forces that could align to do them injury so numerous -- illness, random accidents, deliberate acts, etc. After my son was born, I remember watching the news/TV in general in tears because every story seemed to highlight the many ways that children could be lost or hurt in our world. And there was this sense that all children, in some mysterious way, were now mine to worry and care about. As if caring about the child taken from its parents across the country or the families lost in various natural disasters represented the vulnerability not just of all life but of my children's specifically. Does this make any sense? So this weekend was a triple punch to my sense of mortality and the fragility of my still very young children. 

I am a very careful mom, neurotic, really. My children rarely leave my sight when I'm home with them and my house is about as baby proof as it's possible to be and yet -- and yet my son would have/could have drowned and there was nothing I could do to predict or prevent my daughter's strange episode. It's enough to drive you crazy! This helplessness . . . 

Despite the traumas, the trip was still a success. What I had most looked forward to was time to talk with my friend, Dannie. And somehow we managed some quality heart-to-hearts in the midst of childcare, meal prep and general mayhem of 5 excitable, sun-weary children. I had gone to the hospital in the ambulance with my daughter, alone. And next to my husband, there is no one I would have rather seen walk into the exam room then Dannie. The doctor asked if we were sisters and commented on the similarities she saw in our expression which is funny as in many ways, we are physical opposites of each other but our hearts are quite similar. Ending a visit with her and her family is always hard, with promises of another visit soon. 

Jinxed? I don't know but my friend Dannie says that perhaps we were lucky, in an odd way. That if these things were to happen, they happened where we knew we could count on the love and support of our friends. The pic in this post is of a figurine by Willow Tree that Dannie gave to me. It sits on shelf in my kitchen, where I am reminded of our friendship often. 

I'm off to take my tiny tot to the doc to discuss whether more tests are needed. Think happy and safe and healthy thoughts for her!