Perspective

Oh, I'm not sure I have many words to share. Just pictures snapped after school one day this week. I love that I got to pick up both of my children because I'm my own boss and take them to the park to play -- and then home for homework and dinner and night time routines. I love that we've eaten together as a family every day this week. My perspective has shifted . . .

A part of me worries that without the structure of a job, I won't be as driven. Maybe I need the pressure and demands in order to be effective in my role. Then I realize that is the voice of fear speaking. Of course I'm motivated and though this building up time is slow, the pace will accelerate. Now is the time to establish the balance I and my family need so that I can hold that line as the business grows.

There has been a tension between what I believe families need and how I help families in my work and how I've managed my own family . . . now I get to bring these two things more in line. Attend to my own children's needs before I turn to those of other families. Ah. This is good. This is right!

New Beginnings

I've been away from this blog and photography for quite some time. So many distractions. Good ones! Exciting changes and new beginnings under way!

I've begun my own private practice and just before the holidays, I left my job so that I could concentrate on my own enterprise full time. It is exhilarating and terrifying. Inspiring and exhausting. For several months, the details of finding an appropriate space, establishing the business part of the practice and beginning to develop referral sources was all-consuming. And now I can feel the energy building and the practice is growing, bit by bit.

One of the many reasons that I took this step was to nurture balance in my life. Already I've attended field trips with my children that previously I would not have been able to! I look forward to actually sticking to the weekly menu I outline and family dinners at the table. Oh, and photography and creativity! So much to look forward to. An adventure to be sure!

What have you been up to while I've been away? New adventures of your own?

What's Your Play #80

Playing with Laura at Dolcepics today. There's something about this water spigot -- as soon as this challenge was posted, I knew I wanted to play with the blue color, rusty screw in the center and the simplicity of the image.
So, I'm still playing with using textures and layers . . . I couldn't tell you what combination of all sorts of things I tried with these two variations. I'm more partial to the first -- I like the more grungy feel and more vivid colors.
Another successful day! Home in time for dinner and special time with the kids. Change is such an interesting process. Its exciting and yet anxiety producing. I've come to anticipate whiplash-like bouts of self-doubt as part of recalibrating, readjusting -- even to the most longed-for changes. Its just human nature. I tell clients to expect things to get harder before they get better. Its momentum. Changing direction mid race, throws you off your pace and you may stumble a bit before you hit your stride again. I've been tripping over my feet today. Struggling to define myself in this new role and having to remind myself that things will once again settle into a rhythm.

Yippee!!

Excited to share the success of the day. In short order:

1. Kids and mama out the door and deposited at their various locations by 8:00am. Minimal grouchiness and irritability. On the way to Big D's drop off -- we shared 5 favorite things about each other. So sweet and cheesy. Just wanted to send him off knowing that I could think of at least 5 things to love about him. He tries so hard and is such a sweet boy. Mama gushiness.

2. Saw all my clients, wrote all my notes, made all necessary calls and . . . wait for it . . . was home by 6:15pm!!!

3. Made my family a yummy nutritious dinner.

4. Special time with each kiddo before off to bed! Then a little unwinding with favorite OCD detective and hubby.

It was a group effort. Kids helped daddy empty the dishwasher this morning and when I got home, homework was done and baths in the works. This feels WONDERFUL. Now, repeat. I can do this. I have a taste for what it feels like to meet my clients' needs and know that I have also met my husband's and children's. It makes all the difference in the world!

New Week; New Challenges

It's the beginning of a new work week. All the changes made to support balance and family life and sustainability are in place -- this is the first week of putting them into practice. I'll be home in time to fix dinner and put my babies to bed. These sweet children who are growing up so fast and who blossom when their mama is able to spend a little time with them.
I'm excited. I feel as if things are finally right and that I'm on the cusp of truly discovering who I am as a therapist and, more importantly, a mother. There's a bit of anxiety that despite my certainty and planning, the pressure of the work will force me to push back constantly in order to maintain this new-found clarity.

So, I'm off. Wish me well. I hope to report a rewarding day that ends with loves and cuddles at home.

Mud Adventures

Last weekend, we took a walk at the nature park. Camera in hand and rubber boots on our feet. We dubbed our walk the "mud adventure" -- and boy, was it ever! Took Sis a bit to realize that her boots would protect her from the murky mud but once she did, it was a stomping good time!

On these types of walk, we keep a running tab of the animals and creatures we see. We saw 4 newts (this was the first), two deer, squirrels, ducks and possibly a chipmunk. We're still debating whether chipmunks are actually native to our area or if we saw a tiny squirrel . . .
It was a cloudy day but on occasion the sun would shine through and illuminate the beautiful ferns and lingering rain drops. This deer was hidden away so well that we almost missed him. He tolerated my tiptoeing not so subtly closer for a better photo.
Fun was had by all. The kids had to ride home in the van in their undies and socks due to all the mud stomping. That just adds to the adventure of it all!
It's been a long week without posts or photography. I feel a little parched and wrung out. How's that for a mixed metaphor? We have big plans to lay low today, take a drive, read stories, look for pictures to take, eat together. Gather ourselves together to tackle a new week with our priorities firmly intact.

I've been setting a single goal for myself each week since the New Year. My mantra is "I successfully balance my work and life." And each week, a new goal has moved me closer . . . This upcoming week will be the first with a new work schedule allowing me to be home in time for dinner and bed time. I'm relieved. There are many other changes that have been made in the process of redefining my role at work that I won't go into here. But I'm excited! My goals in the coming weeks will center more fully on my family. Things like home cooked meals in the evening, special time with each of my two tots, more stories at bed time, establishing routines for cleaning up toys and bedrooms, more quality time to talk with and enjoy my husband . . .

Trying My Hand

I was inspired by Rita's practical post on natural light portraiture so we took a time out from tree trimming and grabbed a black blanket and -- ta da! 
I struggled a bit with over exposure so will need to do some fine tuning with metering but overall, I love the results. 
Did I tell you that a friend has asked me to take pics of her daughter? Yep. I'm a bit ambivalent about it. Photography is very much a sanity-saving hobby. I do not want to intrude on those skilled professionals that make their livelihood taking pictures. We've agreed she can make me cookies . . . that seems like a fair trade. Besides, I'm afraid I can't guarantee the results:) 
While on the topic of vocation and avocation . . . I'm doing some tough thinking about the work I do and its sustainability. I've been flirting with burn out for weeks and now, I think I'm there. Its not unexpected. This particular position feels a bit like being an ER doc or a fire fighter -- running from one crisis to another. And I don't drink, so there goes that coping strategy:) So I'm laying low this weekend, thinking about my options, hoping that I can work out something doable with my supervisor 'cause I really like working with this level of intensity but I need to keep the long view. 
The holidays are both a hindrance and a blessing as I try to sort this out. A hindrance because with the holidays come a pressure to decorate, shop, entertain and be generally jolly. The blessing is the time spent with friends and family, enjoying their company and the diversion that all that decorating, shopping and entertaining can bring. 

Now off to the couch, in front of our beautifully decorated tree with my book and coffee. Hubby and kids are rattling the legos around as they build something, I'm sure, spectacular. Eventually I'll have to figure out what's for breakfast and make plans for getting something done with the day. For now, I'm just going to absorb the quiet of the morning. 

Just words

It's been a long, long time since I typed an entry sans photographs. And it's been a long, long time since I've allowed myself to really settle in, pull out some of those well-steeped thoughts and spread them out in the open to air. There's some concern that if I try, I'll discover that I just thought I had something to say or that what I say isn't what I want to hear.

It's been a busy morning . . . attempted to "sleep in" all the way to 6:30am before getting up and swapping parenting duties with hubby so he could go to work. Then commenced kid-wrangling, drop off of the big boy and then home again to plop Sis in front of the TV and pound out some notes for work. Lovely. Can't quite count the number of Fridays in recent history with a similar pattern. After Sis had watched her show and I'd made it, oh, 75% of the way through work stuff, we ducked out into the rain and raked leaves. She believes she is being helpful when she "stomps" on the piles of leaves I'm attempting to move into the street . . . little turkey. Back in doors to fix lunch and clean the kitchen while she ate. I mean really clean.  Another artifact of weeks and weeks of intense work, not enough time to catch up and NO desire to get my house spic and span. 

And now I sit, hardly believing my luck that she is napping. My kitchen looks great and as long as I don't look at my feet and the mess that is my floor, I'm feeling pretty good. But I've got the blahs. The momentum is gone. I know I could fold laundry or buff our newly finished table or just about anything productive. But I don't want to. And I don't want to do anything else either. 

I'm a little paralyzed by the thought that the in-laws and assorted other relatives are descending on our house next week. We'll have 6 additional adults and another kidlet in our house . . . I need rest. I really need to recharge. I have no idea how to do that under the best of circumstances let alone while hosting Thanksgiving weekend for my husband's family. Oy. There's the cleaning, the prep for large meals, the laundry, the not being the master of your own destiny cause you have to sort through the polite deferring to figure out what the heck people want and what they'd like to do! 

As I reread my words, my therapist brain is chastising my pathetic self. I mean really. Get. It. Together. Just a few days ago I was optimistically thinking it would be a great Thanksgiving. Sure, I'd be overwhelmed but I'd find some way each day to do something I needed to relax. Hubby and I would check in with each other frequently and make sure that our own little family's traditions made their way to the forefront of the festivities. I blame work and the need to get some space and perspective. The pace has been so intense for so long -- the stories so gut wrenching that I need to decompress. Rushing from work into the domestic chaos that is raising small children doesn't allow room for this. A friend and I were discussing our different parenting approaches recently -- it is an acknowledged fact that I error on the side of being too careful, too watchful and too much of various other things as well. Hello, my name is Heather, and when it comes to my children, I'm a control freak. Perhaps I think that if I can create order and calm in my home and in my children's behavior, I will be able to manage the hurt and trauma of participating in my clients' stories.  

As I suspected, I'm feeling a little self-conscience having dumped the contents of my head onto the virtual page. But I feel so much better! Purged. Ah . . . now to wake the little one and get the big one and keep on moving!

Reflections

It might be that the title is wishful thinking . . . that I'll be able to wrestle up some thoughtful thoughts:) 

Today I am not working AND, and this is what makes it all so exciting, my kids are still going to school! I have the whole day (well, until 3:15 when there's a parent teacher conference for Big D) to myself. How did this miracle occur? Let me tell you while more thoughtful thoughts are percolating. I usually work Tuesday through Thursday but this week, I attended a two-day conference. A fabulous, exciting training on Collaborative Problem Solving -- a philosophy for better understanding and helping children with behavior problems. I've been practicing CPS for two years and this was an opportunity to get more advanced training, answer questions that have stemmed from my work with clients and families and get my creative juices flowing on new ways to support them going forward. In fact, part of my day at home will be work but its hard to make preparing for the first CPS parent support group as work! 

What else will I do with my day? Crafting! Can't wait to really make a dent on my photo Christmas projects. They're coming out rather nicely. I need to brainstorm some ways to create ornaments out of the finished bottle caps which will necessitate a trip to the craft story -- again. Not exactly painful:) I'm also hoping to meet the new baby of a dear friend who will be 2 weeks old on Friday. I've had to delay a visit due to Big D's flu bug and now I've got a scratchy throat. Damn! We'll see how the new mama feels about a possibly viral-laden visitor . . . 

Looks like that may be what I've got for "reflections" today:) Enjoy the beautiful fall weather. A colleague and I had to make a 2-hour drive to and from the training but it was well worth it for the companionship and the beautiful sun and moon rises. I'm hoping to sneak out this evening and capture that gorgeous orb before it begins to wain. 

Caught in Flight

My dad and I stalked this beautiful Blue Heron this weekend . . . we saw the hapless fellow enjoying himself beside the pond and gradually snuck up on him, snapping pictures along the way. And of course, he took off, seeking some solitude on the other side of the water. We were not to be deterred. Little Sis and Nana trooped around the pong and startled the frustrated bird into flight, again. 
I'd love to be able to take crisp action shots of wildlife but I find it extremely challenging. These two are the best of the lot and I still used PSE to blur the background and make the bird himself pop out. Don't look too close or you'll see that my selection skills need fine tuning! 

Today is the start of another work week. Big D has is still down with the flu and hubby is staying with him so I can go to work . . . which I wish I was feeling more energetic about. I feel out of sync. Like I'm out of step with the expectations and demands of the systems I work within. Ah, well. This too shall pass. It usually does. Perhaps growing pains. Perhaps indication that a shift is needed -- what exactly, I'm not sure. 

Cross your fingers for us that the rest of the family can avoid the piggy bug!

My Lil' Pumpkins

Crazy little muffins -- there's a great shot, that I can't find (hmm . . . ) of Big D with his eyes crossed. Hilarious! They share their mama's love of pumpkins and all things fall and orange. They've been collecting leaves to press for days. Yesterday, in the Target parking lot, Sis insisted in coming to a full stop, to pick up a shredded, sad little leave. All leaves of fall color are treasures!
We splurged on treats while at the pumpkin patch, knowing full well that neither kid could really finish these massive caramel apples concoctions. They gave it there best bet. Sis managed to eat all the good stuff off the apple and Big D actually got some of the apple. This mama snapped pics and snuck bits when she could. 
I just love the concentration on her face and her little legs sticking straight out in this shot. Have I mentioned before that its a good things she's so cute 'cause Lord have mercy she's a handful! She's practicing the tween years now. If I had a buck for every time, in a single day, I hear no or I'm not going to, I'd be able to buy dinner! After two hours of NOT napping yesterday, we struck a deal. She could follow me around the house while I did some cleaning and NOT sleep (which clearly she was already NOT doing) but if she got cranky, to bed she'd go. Worked ok . . . imagine my hubby's confusion and amusement when he was getting her ready for bed and she trilled, "If I'm angry, I have to go to bed.  I have to stay awake. I'm happy!"
It's getting so hard to get a picture of these two together -- Big D is always clowning. (I will have to find the cross-eyed picture!) and Sis is usually grouching at him and shying away. Ah, the joys. 

Since Sis was not napping so I was not reading quietly or browsing the web . . . I tackled Big D's room. Its amazing the things that can happen in a 6 year olds bedroom if left unattended for a week or two . . . dug out all the hidden laundry tucked here and there, stealthily tossed all manner of detritus, and sorted out the boy's overcrowded bookshelves. I was a little concerned that when I told him what I'd been up to that he'd panic. I mean who knows what treasures could have moved or removed! Instead I got a sweet thank you and a ready agreement to sort out his stuffed animals. Warmed my heart, really. 

Off to another week's work. Looks less intense then the last! Enjoy. 

Fall Walk

The weather forecast says we've just got a couple more days of crisp, fall days before the rain begins . . . so we found ourselves on two walks yesterday, catching the colors and light while it lasts. My in laws are visiting with us this weekend. They arrived early Friday afternoon to watch Big D play soccer and today, we'll hit the pumpkin patch. Again. 
Our first walk found us in a forgotten clover field. We walked and ran and played in knee deep clover. The boys found a snake and we all caught a glimpse or two of feral (or want to be feral) cats on the prowl. Hubby took some adorable pics of Sis and I laughing in the clover except he didn't quite understand the auto focus . . . . we're thinking of a return trip at about dusk. Yummy!
Big D picked thirty (literally, thirty. He was counting) clover to put in a vase at home. They were quite sweet until they drooped. 
There are a few of these puffy dandelions left as well. I keep trying to capture the image of the fluff blowing away. Can't quite get it the way I envision it. 

I'm relishing the sun and beauty of fall this weekend. Hoping to recharge in prep for another long work week. Last week was intense. Lots of clients and their families in crisis. There's not much more I can or want to say other than I ended the week exhausted. I struggle with feeling guilty when there's not much more of me left to give to my own children or when after working 12 hour days, I have to come home and do paperwork so that I don't drown in the coming week. It's not like this all the time. It comes and goes in waves. I'd forgotten for several weeks that things can be this intense . . . I'm plotting and planning ways to manage this balance a bit better. I'm excited about some training opportunities in the coming month as well as starting some parent education/support groups. 

In the meantime, things that have got me excited today? The pumpkin patch, yummy Gouda/mushroom omelets that I'm about to make, planning/prepping to refinish my kitchen table and buying some unfinished chairs to go with. I'm feeling the homey, nesting fall feeling. Ah, yes. And potato soup! Enjoy.

Zen To-do List

1. Sand and generally clean up used wooden dollhouse and accessories for my office . . . necessitating a trip to

2. Craft store run

3. Grocery shopping

4. Laundry 

5. Few odds and ends in paperwork

6. Adventuring at local water fountains for kid play and photo ops

7. Mow the lawn? we'll see.

And . . . 

1. Practice breathing when children begin fussing for no known reason prompting me to want to run screaming into my own bedroom

2. Put the to-do list aside when they are vying for my attention -- the rest can wait

3. Appreciate beauty wherever it might be -- like the sunflowers beginning to bloom in my overgrown backyard. Don't need to move to enjoy them!

4. Connect with friends.

Hope your day is full of just the sort of things and people you need today! Cheers.

Photo Assignment #2 -- Plus assorted crazy

Ta-da. Our 2nd assignment asked us to take 4 photos of the same subject, varying the aperture. Here is the same church photographed last week with the noticeable addition of the sun! Ah, Portland has been basking in several days worth of unobstructed sunshine. Fantastic stuff -- I can feel the Vitamin D absorbing into my bones or wherever its supposed to be. Back to photos, we were also supposed to be focusing on shadows in our composition. I don't really know what that means except I made sure there were "pretty" shadows . . . Also bought a couple books that I hope to be helpful in my quest for photography skills: an after market book on my camera and Understanding Exposure by Peterson. Which brings me to the 2nd theme of today's blog -- the crazy.

Apparently this is going to be a very busy, busy year around here, what with all my "resolutions" and such. Oh, and new teaching gig at local college. Yep, that's right. Along with the job, and the photography class, and family, I am now co-teaching a class for aspiring therapists one night a week. Suddenly my world feels like it may spin off its axis! This is good news (not the falling out of orbit part)! The photography is about finding a creative outlet and coping mechanism for a rather stressful career. I truly enjoy what I do and it's my calling . . . but I need to be conscience about self-care or risk burn out. Teaching is another avenue for doing this. I hope that some day it can supplement a private practice and I enjoyed teaching when I was doing it. 

In the meantime, I'm focused on just managing my various roles and responsibilities in the short term. Just the basic necessities beyond what is needed for work and class  -- sleep, nutrition, family.  This last week at work was not stellar in these areas. I think that most days, I failed to eat lunch and regularly disregarded my poor bladder, dashing between various appointments. When I was home, I was worse than a lump on the couch. I was a irritable, head-achy lump on the couch. This can not continue. As the week begins, I am hoping to stay more fully present when with my family, be planful about caring for my own needs and embrace a new opportunity.